Setting Limits For Your Teenager

I have 2 teenage daughters and as they have grown and I have grown, I have learned to set limits that make me a better person. I believe that boundaries or limits are for me first and by taking care of me they end up serving my children. If I can set limits that are nurturing to me, the anger I could experience at my children becomes almost non existent. This process has taken many years and much trial and error. If I can give you some clues from first hand experience, maybe you can avoid some of the pain I had to go through banging my head against the wall. Today my youngest daughter, 16 years old and a sophomore in high school got up for school and immediately told me she was too tired and needed to sleep through her first class. In the past I have allowed my daughter to do this periodically even when she had created her fatigue by poor choices. The last time I let her do it was after she made some poor choices about usage of time. She ended up with a project undone at the last minute and stayed up way too late to finish. I told her at that time this would be the last time I allowed her to sleep in after making poor usage of her time. Today was that day. She had a 3 day weekend this week and didn’t crack a book the whole time. She went from activity to activity without a care in the world and I allowed that because at this age she needs to start managing her own life. Last night at 8 pm she announced she needed poster board for a project due today, Tuesday. I told her I was going to bed because I was still sick and lucky for her, her big sis was home and she agreed to take her. I have no idea how long she was up but it sounds like it was a very late night. This morning she was a wreck. She started begging me, telling me to be a good mom, pleading, yelling and pretty much having a fit. I sat on the couch downstairs sipping my coffee and just kept repeating in a calm voice. No, honey you need to get ready for school. After the 7th or so time I added, this is a consequence of poor decisions around time usage. I didn’t go into how it was her fault she played all weekend and now look at what you’ve done. She was already in enough pain without me heaping it on. At one point she said I’m not going and I said ok but I will not sign you out for today, which means Sat school or whatever they decide to do to you. This was all said with a calm voice. She eventually came downstairs we got into the car and left for school. She didn’t speak all the way to school she just fumed. I very quickly said, “I’m sorry you are so tired.” because I was sorry for her. God knows, I had had many a morning like that for years through high school and college. I knew that anything but kind words would just make it a whole lot worse and the truth is she was suffering enough because of her mistake. When she opened the door to get out she said nothing, and I said I hope you have a good day and I love you. With that she slammed the door. I knew what she was thinking, sure you do mom, then why didn’t you let me stay home like I wanted too? Unfortunately for her I cannot be swayed nearly as easily as I used to be able to. Some people would say, why did you let her yell at you, she was disrespectful. Why didn’t you punish her for being rude? Again, my answer to that is 2 fold, she was already living in the consequences of her poor decisions and the secondly she has to have some place to vent. She was pissed off and she was feeling like an injustice had been served her. She must act a certain way out in the world and I believe home should be a place to try on how you deal with your anger. I can almost guarantee that when I pick her up today she will offer an apology for her behavior this am. One of the reasons she will be able to see she should apologize is I didn’t get into the sand box with her. I stood outside and held my ground in a firm way and let her have her fit. She was in there throwing sand all over the place. When it was done, she was ready for school, got there on time and will meet her obligations for the day. I walked away feeling good about myself because I held a very important line for me and her. Had I let her stay home I would have been pissed at her for being so irresponsible and I would have felt like a bad mother because I didn’t hold a fair boundary. Feeling bad about myself would have led me to be pissy with her and make her pay for a decision I didn’t make and should have made as her mother and the adult in the situation. There would have been no winners. She wouldn’t have learned what she needed to learn, I would have been less than kind to her and in the end we would have both felt bad about ourselves.
I hope this little story will help you the next time you need to set a limit with your child.