Each child is unique and wonderful in their own way. Each human being comes with their own blueprint of talents and skills, and as parents embrace their individuality and special talents their children can blossom into the people they came here to be.
The worst thing you can do to your children is to compare them with their siblings or others outside of the family. The fallout is not measurable. This kind of treatment can cause intense sibling rivalry, depression, anger, and a drop in self esteem because they do not feel good enough.
Give each child the gift of loving their uniqueness and seeing them for who they are. If you are having trouble with one of your children, admit it and get the help you need to cope with the situation. You are the adult and you must be the one to fix the problem.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
First Trust Your Child
It is so important that we trust our children first. What do I mean by that? Trust your child until they give you reason not too. How does that look? Give your child opportunities to explore their environment without giving input or monitoring each move they make. For example, say your child is starting a diary, and he is age 12, trust that there is no reason for you to read that diary without permission. Do not violate your child’s privacy unless you have probable cause that something inappropriate is going on. Saying you trust your child is nice but showing them you trust them is what will help them to become confident in themselves. Parents need to understand that there are many ways to skin a cat and just because a parent sees the world one way, doesn’t mean the child sees it that way.
An extreme example of not giving your child freedom: a girl named T. was raised by a very controlling man who thought it was his responsibility to lay his incredible wisdom on how things should be done, down to how the trash should be taken out. T was not allowed to make any decisions for herself regarding her life. She was told how to dress, when to do her homework, when to be home, etc. The outcome for T. was not good. She grew up with very little confidence in her ability to make decisions. She was like a ship without a rudder, totally lost and full of fear. She had always depended on her dad to tell her how to do life, and when she left home she had no idea how to take care of herself and consequently went through many years of pain and discomfort as she formed her inner compass. We need to help our children form their inner compass as they grow so they can get to where they need to when they leave home.
You may want to allow your child total freedom in the way they dress even if you don’t like it. As long as they know the dress code and are willing to take a natural consequence if they violate it, this becomes a safe way to allow them to make choices about themselves each day. If your child blows it at school, don’t get angry, don’t say I told you so, but rather, let them know you are sorry they got into trouble and offer your help if they want it. A word of caution: If you decide to give them the freedom to choose, do not remind them that you don’t like the way they dress, let it go and get over it. If you are scared that they are a bad reflection on you, get over it. Your kids are not on this planet to make you look good. And as parents we need to give them every opportunity to make choices for themselves so they can build the confidence and inner compass that each one of us needs to survive.
Another example would be to allow your child to start planning out when they are going to get their homework done. As a child grows, he needs to learn how to manage his time. When your child gets to 5th or 6th grade, give them the chance to decide whether to do the work after school, after dinner or before bed. By giving them this responsibility at this age, you will see where they may have problems with time management. When you allow this kind of freedom you let your child know you believe in them.
If you need to modify this plan, do it with love and encouragement. Point out what your child is doing right and then explain that maybe they are not ready to handle juggling their homework with everything else. Sit down and work out a solution together. Ask your child what they think might work and be there to gently guide them to what you have both worked out.
You must give your child room to fail and miss the mark so they can see what it takes to succeed. A child’s grades in Junior High School will not break you child’s future, but if they are able to see the consequences of less than desirable choices, they can learn to regulate their decisions with more confidence.
An extreme example of not giving your child freedom: a girl named T. was raised by a very controlling man who thought it was his responsibility to lay his incredible wisdom on how things should be done, down to how the trash should be taken out. T was not allowed to make any decisions for herself regarding her life. She was told how to dress, when to do her homework, when to be home, etc. The outcome for T. was not good. She grew up with very little confidence in her ability to make decisions. She was like a ship without a rudder, totally lost and full of fear. She had always depended on her dad to tell her how to do life, and when she left home she had no idea how to take care of herself and consequently went through many years of pain and discomfort as she formed her inner compass. We need to help our children form their inner compass as they grow so they can get to where they need to when they leave home.
You may want to allow your child total freedom in the way they dress even if you don’t like it. As long as they know the dress code and are willing to take a natural consequence if they violate it, this becomes a safe way to allow them to make choices about themselves each day. If your child blows it at school, don’t get angry, don’t say I told you so, but rather, let them know you are sorry they got into trouble and offer your help if they want it. A word of caution: If you decide to give them the freedom to choose, do not remind them that you don’t like the way they dress, let it go and get over it. If you are scared that they are a bad reflection on you, get over it. Your kids are not on this planet to make you look good. And as parents we need to give them every opportunity to make choices for themselves so they can build the confidence and inner compass that each one of us needs to survive.
Another example would be to allow your child to start planning out when they are going to get their homework done. As a child grows, he needs to learn how to manage his time. When your child gets to 5th or 6th grade, give them the chance to decide whether to do the work after school, after dinner or before bed. By giving them this responsibility at this age, you will see where they may have problems with time management. When you allow this kind of freedom you let your child know you believe in them.
If you need to modify this plan, do it with love and encouragement. Point out what your child is doing right and then explain that maybe they are not ready to handle juggling their homework with everything else. Sit down and work out a solution together. Ask your child what they think might work and be there to gently guide them to what you have both worked out.
You must give your child room to fail and miss the mark so they can see what it takes to succeed. A child’s grades in Junior High School will not break you child’s future, but if they are able to see the consequences of less than desirable choices, they can learn to regulate their decisions with more confidence.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
GENTLE LESSONS FOR YOUR CHILD
Gentle lessons
Children come into the world with innate knowledge, intuition and instincts. Children are not born understanding how their new world works. It is our job as parents to guide them and teach them the ways of the world they have entered. This can be done through gentle lessons.
What is a gentle lesson? Example: Your child wakes up on his 12th birthday and asks for his gifts right away. He is excited and nothing else matters. It feels like total self-centeredness and give me give me. He rips through his presents and just as he’s gotten through the last one, the phone rings and its his grandmother with a very special message. He puts it on speaker phone and then runs out of the room before she can finish her song. You as a parent have to cover for him at the end of the song because he is no where to be found, he is trying out his new Nano in the 5 minutes he has before he goes to school. You feel sick inside wondering what kind of kid you have raised. He doesn’t seem to care in the least about the care his grandmother has taken to wish him a happy birthday, all he cares about is the stuff.
You don’t want to spoil his birthday, but you are embarrassed, humiliated and angry that your son has acted in such a selfish way. You start blowing up the incident in your head, and asking yourself what does this mean, have I blown it as a parent, what should I do, I don’t care if he’s a kid, he should know better? In that moment you might do 1 of a couple things. You might decide I can’t let this go by, this is unacceptable, how dare he, and then confront him and tell him how selfish he’s been and let him know that you’re afraid he is growing up to be disrespectful and insensitive of others feelings. The other possible option is to let it go and wait until after his big day when you’ve had time to cool down and revisit what happened with grandmother.
If you take the first option, your child could be getting the brunt of your anger and your fear about not being a good enough parent. It will interrupt his special day and leave him feeling bad about himself and you may be projecting future fears on him such as I’m afraid you are going to turn out to be an insensitive and disrespectful person. Now you’re in danger of manifesting a self full filling prophecy because you have gone overboard and projected your fear onto your son.
If you take the second option, you can let your child know a day or 2 later that you have something you want to discuss with him. Let him know that it really hurt you that he seemed so insensitive to his grandmother for her efforts on his birthday. Let him know that you know he is not that kind of person, but you just wanted to bring it to his attention because you know how easy it is to get caught up in the excitement of the moment. In spite of that he may not want to forget the people who do something nice because it may hurt their feelings and make it clear you know that he would never do that intentionally. Let him know you love him and thanks for listening and then let it go.
If you choose option one, it’s probably because you are getting your buttons pushed. Maybe you weren’t allowed to act as self-centered as your son was acting when you were a child. Or maybe you were put off by his give me give me attitude because you had to go overboard to show your family how much you appreciated them, rather than getting lost in your own joy on your special day. Maybe you were humiliated in front of your mother and afraid she would judge you as a bad parent because your son appeared to be rude. It could be any of the above or something else, but by acting on your anger and humiliation, you may not teach your child the lesson you want to teach. Your child may walk away from the encounter feeling like a bad kid and then proceed to do more bad kid behavior.
If you take option 2, it doesn’t mean that you didn’t feel some embarrassment or anger in the moment, but you gave yourself time to let go of the anger and get back to the lesson. Letting your kid know that you know he is a good and sensitive child, will instill your trust and adoration in him. It will cause him to want to act in a respectful manner because he will feel loved and encouraged instead of shamed and made to feel bad.
Children come into the world with innate knowledge, intuition and instincts. Children are not born understanding how their new world works. It is our job as parents to guide them and teach them the ways of the world they have entered. This can be done through gentle lessons.
What is a gentle lesson? Example: Your child wakes up on his 12th birthday and asks for his gifts right away. He is excited and nothing else matters. It feels like total self-centeredness and give me give me. He rips through his presents and just as he’s gotten through the last one, the phone rings and its his grandmother with a very special message. He puts it on speaker phone and then runs out of the room before she can finish her song. You as a parent have to cover for him at the end of the song because he is no where to be found, he is trying out his new Nano in the 5 minutes he has before he goes to school. You feel sick inside wondering what kind of kid you have raised. He doesn’t seem to care in the least about the care his grandmother has taken to wish him a happy birthday, all he cares about is the stuff.
You don’t want to spoil his birthday, but you are embarrassed, humiliated and angry that your son has acted in such a selfish way. You start blowing up the incident in your head, and asking yourself what does this mean, have I blown it as a parent, what should I do, I don’t care if he’s a kid, he should know better? In that moment you might do 1 of a couple things. You might decide I can’t let this go by, this is unacceptable, how dare he, and then confront him and tell him how selfish he’s been and let him know that you’re afraid he is growing up to be disrespectful and insensitive of others feelings. The other possible option is to let it go and wait until after his big day when you’ve had time to cool down and revisit what happened with grandmother.
If you take the first option, your child could be getting the brunt of your anger and your fear about not being a good enough parent. It will interrupt his special day and leave him feeling bad about himself and you may be projecting future fears on him such as I’m afraid you are going to turn out to be an insensitive and disrespectful person. Now you’re in danger of manifesting a self full filling prophecy because you have gone overboard and projected your fear onto your son.
If you take the second option, you can let your child know a day or 2 later that you have something you want to discuss with him. Let him know that it really hurt you that he seemed so insensitive to his grandmother for her efforts on his birthday. Let him know that you know he is not that kind of person, but you just wanted to bring it to his attention because you know how easy it is to get caught up in the excitement of the moment. In spite of that he may not want to forget the people who do something nice because it may hurt their feelings and make it clear you know that he would never do that intentionally. Let him know you love him and thanks for listening and then let it go.
If you choose option one, it’s probably because you are getting your buttons pushed. Maybe you weren’t allowed to act as self-centered as your son was acting when you were a child. Or maybe you were put off by his give me give me attitude because you had to go overboard to show your family how much you appreciated them, rather than getting lost in your own joy on your special day. Maybe you were humiliated in front of your mother and afraid she would judge you as a bad parent because your son appeared to be rude. It could be any of the above or something else, but by acting on your anger and humiliation, you may not teach your child the lesson you want to teach. Your child may walk away from the encounter feeling like a bad kid and then proceed to do more bad kid behavior.
If you take option 2, it doesn’t mean that you didn’t feel some embarrassment or anger in the moment, but you gave yourself time to let go of the anger and get back to the lesson. Letting your kid know that you know he is a good and sensitive child, will instill your trust and adoration in him. It will cause him to want to act in a respectful manner because he will feel loved and encouraged instead of shamed and made to feel bad.
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