First Trust Your Child

It is so important that we trust our children first. What do I mean by that? Trust your child until they give you reason not too. How does that look? Give your child opportunities to explore their environment without giving input or monitoring each move they make. For example, say your child is starting a diary, and he is age 12, trust that there is no reason for you to read that diary without permission. Do not violate your child’s privacy unless you have probable cause that something inappropriate is going on. Saying you trust your child is nice but showing them you trust them is what will help them to become confident in themselves. Parents need to understand that there are many ways to skin a cat and just because a parent sees the world one way, doesn’t mean the child sees it that way.
An extreme example of not giving your child freedom: a girl named T. was raised by a very controlling man who thought it was his responsibility to lay his incredible wisdom on how things should be done, down to how the trash should be taken out. T was not allowed to make any decisions for herself regarding her life. She was told how to dress, when to do her homework, when to be home, etc. The outcome for T. was not good. She grew up with very little confidence in her ability to make decisions. She was like a ship without a rudder, totally lost and full of fear. She had always depended on her dad to tell her how to do life, and when she left home she had no idea how to take care of herself and consequently went through many years of pain and discomfort as she formed her inner compass. We need to help our children form their inner compass as they grow so they can get to where they need to when they leave home.
You may want to allow your child total freedom in the way they dress even if you don’t like it. As long as they know the dress code and are willing to take a natural consequence if they violate it, this becomes a safe way to allow them to make choices about themselves each day. If your child blows it at school, don’t get angry, don’t say I told you so, but rather, let them know you are sorry they got into trouble and offer your help if they want it. A word of caution: If you decide to give them the freedom to choose, do not remind them that you don’t like the way they dress, let it go and get over it. If you are scared that they are a bad reflection on you, get over it. Your kids are not on this planet to make you look good. And as parents we need to give them every opportunity to make choices for themselves so they can build the confidence and inner compass that each one of us needs to survive.
Another example would be to allow your child to start planning out when they are going to get their homework done. As a child grows, he needs to learn how to manage his time. When your child gets to 5th or 6th grade, give them the chance to decide whether to do the work after school, after dinner or before bed. By giving them this responsibility at this age, you will see where they may have problems with time management. When you allow this kind of freedom you let your child know you believe in them.
If you need to modify this plan, do it with love and encouragement. Point out what your child is doing right and then explain that maybe they are not ready to handle juggling their homework with everything else. Sit down and work out a solution together. Ask your child what they think might work and be there to gently guide them to what you have both worked out.
You must give your child room to fail and miss the mark so they can see what it takes to succeed. A child’s grades in Junior High School will not break you child’s future, but if they are able to see the consequences of less than desirable choices, they can learn to regulate their decisions with more confidence.